Wednesday, June 8, 2016

50 shades of "real"

While most people apologize for being off the grid, my departure from the grid was quite necessary. For the most part, this blog has been primarily focused on working out, and recipes, and dogs, and trips to Disney World. All of those things have molded me into the person that I am now. (Yes, even the trips to Disney World... don't you think that having a light heart is essential to having a happy heart?) I've found myself on long runs, and around mile 85 of long bike rides. Something happens to your brain when you're on the road for hours on end. For me, I don't even notice really what I'm doing anymore. My body goes through the physical motions, and typically my thoughts turn inward. Sometimes those inward facing thoughts are driven towards that pesky IT band, or the numbness in my toes from being clipped in to the bike for hours. But lately, my inner thoughts have been far more reflective. I've been finding myself striving to think deeper, to be more reasonable and rational, to see the big picture, and to try to see reality. (And while this is all well and good for self reflective purposes, it proves to be a tad distracting from remembering to abide by the traffic rules of the road on my bicycle/avoid being even an inch too close towards that white line.)(Read: Dear 18-wheelers, chill the F out.)

I think my biggest struggle that I'm having lately is seeing reality for what it really is. We all have the ability to perceive. A lot of times, our perceptions are different. Usually, it can be looked at in the same was as someone's feelings- they're neither right or wrong. If I'm sad about something, that's not incorrect. My feelings are my own, and I have a right to feel them. Your feelings are your own, and you have a right to them as well. It's like, my favorite color is yellow; your favorite color is red. Who's wrong? I feel as though perception is the same way. Perception ties into feelings, right? If I perceive something that has been said is hurtful, and the speaker had a different intent in their message, does that mean that I'm wrong? Something that was said to me has made me feel hurt, per say, so is that incorrect? If feelings aren't right or wrong, then where does the line get drawn on perception?

There's always three sides to every story, right? My side, your side, and the truth. I don't necessarily think that my side is a lie, nor is your side. But we're blinded by the "facts" that we know, and that blurs that line of reality for us. I've been trying, in being more reflective, to take even larger steps back to try and see the picture from an even greater distance. It's really hard, mainly because so rarely do I really understand how others perceive the same situation. Most people don't like to admit when they're wrong. No one likes their pride to hurt, right? I'm not sure if it's because I've never felt like I've been a very proud person, but I don't think I've been one who has had a problem admitting when they're wrong. I am wrong all. the. time. Every day. I make mistakes all the time. But that's how I learn. I learn the best by fucking up once, twice, maybe even three times. (The more times I jack something up, the smarter I get!) With every failure comes another thing that I can theoretically take out of my toolbox; with every failure comes another thing I can hang my hat on knowing doesn't work. Maybe your personal perception of the last few statements of mine is like Whoa, pity party city." I assure you, that's not at all what I was going for. I feel like we can be just as proud of our mistakes as we can from our successes. (Not all of them, of course. Even after 10+ years, I'm still not proud of ages 19-23... who is?!) I mean, we may not know what works yet, but we sure know what doesn't! (Like Goldschlager, jello shots, and Busch Light- they don't work. Freak drunk strength, 3 burly dudes, a loose parking meter, and 4 flights of stairs- surprisingly does work at the time...but then you realize you wish it didn't. And don't even get me started on Molson Golden, hockey helmets, and hard objects..)

Our knee jerk reaction in situations is to lean away from the discomfort, from the unknown. Why do we do that? Technically, isn't everything in life uncertain? The only things we can be certain about is life and death...and uncertainty. The best we can do is try our best to see things for what they are. So, if it's uncomfortable to admit when we're wrong, and we tend to lean away from that discomfort, then what are our brains doing to our perception of that situation? How do we know, even if we KNOW that we're looking beyond just our side of the story, that we're seeing reality? If our knee jerk reaction is to dive into self preservation mode, leaning away from uncertainty and discomfort, then what does that do to the lens through which we see things? Do we need to completely take our emotions out of something so that we can see a scenario in black and white- in it's purest, realest form. And is that the only way we can see reality? 

I think that maybe this word barf of a post might be chock full of rhetorical questions. That's ok. If anyone has any answers or words of advice to share, PLEASE! I really enjoy hearing other people's thoughts on this, and having my mind and heart opened in new and different ways. 

In trying to turn my thoughts inward, I've also tried to adapt to a more mindful way of living. I want to be mindful of me, and all other living things. Lokah samastah sukino bhavantu. May all beings be happy and free. Is that not the most beautiful thing to reflect on?

Happy Wednesday <3



  1. It's too early in the morning on the left coast to come up with super coherent thoughts but I just wanted to say I'm happy you're writing here again. Oh and miss you. :) - 640

    1. 640, 660- Miss your face. Let's grab coffee. 660 clear.